I've just sat down with a cup of vanilla tea and some coffee cake fresh out of the oven. It’s uh-may-zing. How have I not made coffee cake before? I recently discovered a food blog called ”Lottie + Doof” and the guy who puts it together posts some really delicious recipes. I’ve made it my mission this week to try as many of them as I have time and freezer space for. And as this is Easter break, I do have some extra hours to devote to my stove and oven. Blissssss....
There are a few things that provide me with mass amounts of pleasure, and food is one of them. I love to cook. I love to eat. I love to share food with other people. I’m absolutely convinced that food is the proper foundation for relational growth. I attribute this love of food to my Italian genes. My late grandmother was always in the kitchen making something: chicken soup, lasagna, tomato pie, meatballs.... And she always made a mess whenever she cooked, which is something I’ve inherited. My parents like to roll their eyes in faux exasperation whenever they walk into the kitchen while I’m making something. To be fair, it really does look like a disaster zone. But I don’t think you can truly cook with your heart without creating a mess. Maintaining clean surfaces during the process of preparing food is just too cerebral in my opinion.
In the days running up to time off, I always make long and detailed lists of all the virtuous things I’m going to accomplish. The usual entries: Get acquainted with my Italian grammar books that are collecting dust in a drawer, exercise every day, finish the three or four books I’m in the middle of, be sociable with friends I don’t usually see because our schedules don’t mesh, etc etc. The sad fact: It doesn’t matter what I write down on those lists. I only ever get around to doing one or two of them. That’s because I spend the first several days lounging around my apartment in my pajamas, feeling too lethargic to do anything useful. Not awesome.
But it’s been different this time around. Not only have I not lounged around, I spent the first two days deep cleaning my apartment -- something I haven’t done since I moved in two and a half years ago....yikes. I’ve also spent quality time with friends, exercised, run errands, cooked/baked, and caught up on some of this year’s Oscar-nominations (so many good ones, but I especially loved Silver Linings Playbook).
So, to what do I owe all this energy? Maybe it’s the superfood smoothies I’ve been making almost daily for the past two weeks. (I tried doing this detox thing, but yeah, that lasted like, two days. The smoothies, however, prevailed.) Or maybe it’s the slightly stupefying excitement I have about the future. I say stupefying because I have no clue what’s going to happen after June 14. I literally have no idea. My entire life can very well be turned upside down next week. How can I feel excited about that? But truthfully, I have a lot of joy in spite of not knowing.
My job situation is such that I have to apply to keep my position as teacher every spring. And as ”luck” would have it, there’s been a new principal every time I’ve had to apply. I’m on my fifth principal in two years. (It would seem my department has an irritatingly high turnover rate....) Needless to say, this doesn’t provide much in the way of employee-boss relations. An added challenge is that the teacher I’ve been subbing for has decided to come back in the fall....
What happens if that happens? I have no Plan B. But if I did, it would most likely involve moving to a different city/country, since really the only reason I’ve stayed in Lidköping is this job I love so much. There are of course other perks (quality friends and cheap housing), but those are never reasons enough to stay -- not for me anyway. But I have no idea where I’d move to and I really don’t feel that the time to relocate has come yet. Despite the natural obstacles, I feel in my heart that my time at the school is not over, and that my time in Lidköping isn’t over either. I still have more to give, more heart to pour into my students, more time to invest in my friends and work colleagues. I don’t know how to reconcile this with the natural circumstances glaring me in the face, but that’s where trust comes in.
I trust in my Heavenly Father who holds me and my future in His hand. He’s already seen the endgame, mapped out my steps, strategically placed me where I am. He sees all of the puzzle pieces that are my life, and He’s slowly, consistently, bringing them together so that the image that was once so scattered and blurry is starting to gain focus and color. This is the reason for and the source of my excitement. I am so optimistic about the future! It can’t be anything but great! Not because I’m not going to experience setbacks and suffering, but because God holds the steering wheel to my car, the reins to my horse, the rudder to my ship (hey, we can keep this metaphor going...insert any form of transportation you want).
Trusting God is so hard but so easy -- one of the many paradoxes of the Christian walk. There is so much joy and peace to be found in it when we let go of our need for control, when we stop trying to maintain clean surfaces while cooking. Let the water boil over, let the sauce splatter. God can take care of the dishes. When it’s His plan, it’s His mess to clean up anyway. It took me 28 years to have this epiphany, and since then life has become much more unpredictable and exciting, uncertain and satisfying. I encourage you to seek this truth as well.
I will now get back to my coffee cake, and perhaps another movie? I’m thinking Lincoln.....
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