Wanting what I can’t have

I want things I can’t have. It’s a problematic part of my nature, and this past Sunday I was acutely aware of it - to the point of feeling convicted for not keeping my eyes on Jesus. I do make a concerted effort to “seek His Kingdom first” but I also frequently pester Him about the “and all these things shall be added unto you” bit (Bible reference: Matthew 6:33). Most of the time I’m dissatisfied with my life, not because I dislike the elements that fill it, but because I want more - always. 

I covet a lifestyle I can’t afford. I want fine dining on a weekly basis and trips with five star accommodations. I like expensive clothes and I dream about living in an out-of-my-price-range flat downtown with high ceilings, big windows and at least one brick wall. I want the unique furniture that costs an arm and a leg to ship home but is so totally worth it because each piece has a story. I want the man I can’t have. I want to be ‘soccer mom’ who writes freelance from home AND I want the high-powered career that sends me all over the world to put out fires and influence global decisions. I want SO MUCH. Sometimes I feel like Bob: “Gimme gimme gimme, I need I need.” (If you’ve never watched the film What about Bob?, stop reading this and go do that.)

This past Sunday the phrase “wanting what I can’t have” was going like a loop machine in my head - to the point that I had to ask the Lord for forgiveness for being so distracted by all the things I wanted but couldn’t have. What was wrong with me?!?! A virtual battle was in full swing in my mind: Am I wanting too much?!? At what point does all this wanting and dreaming turn from being a visionary attitude called faith into being a sin called covetousness??

I’m not that materialistic - sure, I like nice things and I desire to live expansively and generously - but I’m not really that attached to things. I am however attached to ideas of what I want my life to encompass. Wanting what I can’t have is a legit struggle for me. I don’t like settling for less than what I like, and on principle I don’t think that I should. I don’t subscribe to the ‘prosperity gospel’ but I do believe that God delights in surprising me with things I would never have thought within my grasp. Things that are impossible for me are not impossible for Him, so quite frankly I don’t believe I should stop wanting what is beyond my reach (and I’m not just talking about physical objects here). I take the liberty of dreaming big because I serve a big God. But the question is then at what point does ‘believing for big things’ turn into coveting? Where do contentment and resignation diverge? At what point should I stop wishing for things because they distract me from “seeking first the Kingdom”? It’s hard not to be ‘helpful’ in composing the “all else to be added” list, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t confess that on more than one occasion what I’ve wanted has not been what’s best - and I’m SO thankful in these instances that God knows more than I do and isn’t afraid to be the boring parent.

So how do I fix this? I can’t give up wanting things. I refuse to resign myself to a small existence. But as yet, what I see happening in my mind doesn’t match what’s happening outside of it, and it’s making me miserable. Am I merely Joseph the dreamer or will I ever get to be Joseph the governor? (Bible reference: Genesis 37-50) He had a hell of a time getting to that point (which, I suppose, puts my pity party into rather harsh perspective) but I’m sure he didn’t stop dreaming and wanting things. Now there is one man I’d like to have a long fireside chat with….