Feminism: a ladder made of bones.

I’m in the middle of a book called Loving Frank by Nancy Horan - an engrossing story, beautifully written, and well-researched. I highly recommend it. But it makes me angry. 

It’s a fictional portrayal of two very real people: Mamah Cheney and Frank Lloyd Wright. Both of them were married with children when they met, and in the course of their affair, they abandoned their spouses and children and ”fled” to Europe where they lived together for over a year. I’m not going to recount the tale here, but I will give a quick background so that you’re not completely lost as you follow my thoughts. 

Frank Lloyd Wright, as you may know, was a very talented architect who made a name for himself through his visionary design of natural, organic homes (which sounds cliché now, but was ground-breaking then). What you may not know is that he carried on a lengthy affair with the wife of one of his clients, Mrs. Edwin Cheney (the aforementioned Mamah - prounced May-mah). He was a talented, indulgent artist whose prim and proper wife ”didn’t understand” him and she was a well-educated, independent woman who had married the steady but boring Edwin mostly out of fear of remaining single in a society that valued women for their home-making skills. When Frank and Mamah met, they recognized themselves in each other instantly. 

I have to be honest and say that I do sympathize with characters who find themselves trapped in a stagnant and fettering marriage to the wrong person and who long to be free to live with the one they are ”supposed” to be with. If I didn’t love the Lord and I hadn’t been instructed in solid, biblically moral thinking, then I too would be more than capable of marrying the wrong man in the throws of passion only to realize a few years later that he wasn’t the one I wanted after all. I would also be capable of carrying on an affair with another man and weaving an all around tangled web, for I am a passionate and impulsive person. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to curb these characteristics so as not to make a complete mess of my life. So yes, I sympathize with Mamah and Frank in their desire for freedom and stimulating companionship. 

I do not, however, sympathize with characters who leave their families, and importantly, their children, behind. Once you are married and/or have children, you renounce your right to self-indulgence. Period. I know that sounds unenlightened, but I don’t care. You have a duty to take care of your kids regardless of whether or not you feel self-actualized. Because when you make the decision to have children, you are no longer the most important person in your life. I’m sorry if that’s inconvenient for you. I have heard of one too many women who've abandoned their children, and it bothers me to no end. Seeing the effect on those kids breaks my heart. **  

**Let the record state that I don’t believe it’s ok for men to leave their kids either. But for the purpose of this essay, and because I am a woman, I aim to challenge women.

I know that not all women consciously make the decision to have children - sometimes it just happens. But the way I see it, if you are intimate with a man, then you open yourself up to the distinct possibility, and there’s no way of getting around that biological fact. So you better keep that in mind. 

What I want to challenge here is the notion that a woman’s right to pursue her own happiness trumps her responsibilities toward her family. For decades, modern society has bent itself backward trying to accommodate the disgruntled woman. The feminist movement started off with noble intentions: Men vote, so it’s only logical and right that women should vote. Yes. Men work, so it’s only logical and right that women should work. Yes. Men have the right to do as they please, so it’s only logical and right that women should also be able to do as they please. Yes? Men abandon their families to pursue work, pleasure and excitement, so it’s only logical and right that women should also be able to abandon their families to pursue work, pleasure and excitement. Wait, what? 

History is full of men behaving badly. But history, especially recent history, is also full of women behaving badly. And we justify our actions because men have been allowed to do so without much consequence. I think it’s completely unfair that women often suffer greater consequences and public ridicule than men when behaving badly, but this double standard doesn’t make our actions justifiable. Somewhere along the line, the feminist movement got warped and started demanding acceptance for poor female behavior. But two wrongs don’t make a right - everybody knows that! Hello people! 

The effect of feminism is widespread and very murky, so I’m not going to delve too deeply here. But I do have some observations to offer on the consequences we are now reaping:

1. Men have forgotten what it is to be men. We’ve trampled all over their God-given role as protector of and provider for the family, and now they’re mostly wandering around trying to figure out what to do with themselves. We’ve stolen their backbones and used them as rungs on the ladder we’ve climbed, forgetting that a ladder made of bones won’t hold. 
2. Children have been robbed of a secure home. Even if the mom and dad are still together, the model is broken and the parents are not secure in their roles and don’t know how to set proper boundaries. Insecurity just breeds more insecurity. And that’s what we have now: an insecure generation that can’t commit to anything and doesn’t know how to behave properly. 
3. Women aren’t any happier now than they were 70 years ago. If anything, we’re more fragile and stressed out than ever since we’ve had to fill both male and female roles in our frantic rush to be like men. We have to party and sleep around, lest we not be ”free.” We have to work full time and have mad careers, lest we be dependent on a man to support us. We have to have children and be members of the PTA, lest we be heartless. We have to have high education and fascinating hobbies, lest we be deemed uninteresting. 

I’m not saying that things were better back when women were confined to being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, because they weren’t. What I’m saying is the feminist movement did not make the situation better. Our intentions were noble and just, but our newfound power went to our heads and we charged on, causing so much unevaluated damage that can never be returned to and mended. All we can do now is make an attempt at damage control by reevaluating our ideas just a bit. 

Before I continue, I want to clarify that I do realize that not everything is black and white. I’m well aware that there are a million shades to the reasons for why my theories may not apply to you. But I am speaking in general terms and of general principles that pertain, or should pertain, to most people. 

The world likes to tell us that the modern woman can have it all, and that may be the case for many of us. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that we can’t have it all at the same time. There are seasons in everyone’s life and they call for different things. There will be a season of self-discovery and education. There will be a season of work and productivity. There will be a season of child-bearing and raising. And there will be a season of pursuing interests and hobbies. If we’re ambitious, we’ll experience all of these seasons, and more. But we need to be reasonable and see that we can’t go through all seasons at once. Imagine having summer, fall, winter and spring simultaneously. Where would the satisfaction be in that? That just sounds like cold sweats and hot flashes to me. 

There will be situations that call for sacrifice, for laying down your own dreams in favor of keeping the peace in your family. There will be times of monotonous diaper changing. There will be times of feeling completely trapped and bored. But if you give yourself fully to your present task, there will come a time when you can take a step back and admire the work you’ve done, for example, with your kids, and you’ll have the confidence to let them go. Then you’ll have time to indulge your interests and rediscover yourself to a depth and satisfaction you wouldn’t have experienced had you tried to fit it all in before its due time. 

I’m probably going to get so much criticism for what I’ve just written, but I have sincerely thought a lot about this. When I was 22, I wanted to have it all. The career, the husband, the kids, and the fun. I wanted to have it NOW and ALL AT ONCE. Thankfully, my life did not turn out the way I wanted. Time gave me a lot of space to mature and learn from others’ mistakes before blindly rushing into my own. I’ve been given time to understand the significance of being a parent and I don’t want to have kids until I am prepared to forfeit my right to pursue my own needs and desires. I may never get to that point, and I may never have children. But if I do, then I believe that God is kind and will be faithful to bless me by meeting some of my needs and desires as I prioritize my future husband and children. But that’s a faith posture. Because I really don’t know how all that is going to work out. And there we have it. The root problem of feminist ideology: lack of faith and trust.

I’m convinced that the main regret people have at the end of their life is not having done right by the people they loved. The good news is that there is a way to circumvent that regret. And that is by doing right by the people you love. Even if it comes at the expense of your own happiness and comfort. In the light of eternity, will it not have been worth it?