I’m generally a secure, self-confident
person, not unusually prone to performance anxiety or people pleasing. But
sometimes things happen that serve as uncomfortable reminders that it is so
easy for me to base my self worth on how others gauge my abilities. I’m
generally good at the things I do, and the things I’m not good at, I
avoid. I don’t like looking like a fool and I take negative feedback
personally. I do not have thick skin. And this bothers me. How can I expect to
survive in the world of international politics when I don’t
have thick skin?
I’m in a Master’s program that
combines the realms of political science, economics and global studies. I am
absolutely in the right place at the right time; this is what I’ve
been wanting to do since I had an epiphany in 2006. However, unlike my
classmates, I don’t have any formal background in any of
these areas. Which puts me in the slow lane as far as I’m concerned. I’m
not a fan of being in the slow lane, but I’ve kept my head
high about it.
Until I got my first failing grade on a paper. Granted, I knew
full well that this particular essay was not my best work. In contrast to the
first paper (which I aced, by the way), I wasn’t feeling inspired,
I wasn’t finding an angle to attack it from, so I just wrote a
mediocre essay, handed it in and hoped for the best.
Well, my prof was not having it. She gave me a “no
pass,” told me my analysis was severely
lacking, and now I have to rewrite it. Which is a good thing, really. I’m
grateful for the second chance. I’m just feeling slightly discouraged
and inadequate.
But actually, here’s what’s really going on:
This particular professor is exposing my weaknesses, and I resent her for it.
That’s not fair to her, because there are things I need to learn.
This is why I went back to school - to learn what I do not already know.
Unfortunately for me, this involves a great deal of pride swallowing. In this
season of my life, I need to allow the limits of what my mind is capable of to
be tested, and it is very uncomfortable to feel those limits in the flesh.
Incidentally, this same morning I listened to a convicting
podcast sermon about humility. I even had a nice little time with the Lord
about it, asking Him to uproot any prideful attitude, to strip away my
self-reliance, to help me embrace humility, etc etc. What perfect timing, as I
was certainly made to embrace humility. But I can yield because I am loved by
God. There is nothing I can do on my own and in my own strength that is going
to impress anyone. I know the plans He has for me are epic. I know that I will
someday hold a position of influence on an international scale. I’ve
sensed this for years, but I do not for the life of me know how or what or
when. I have nothing that qualifies me for such a destiny. Only the fact that
God chose to plant a dream in my heart and bestow favor.
So I am going to reject the temptation to grumble and I am going
to rewrite this blasted paper, and it is going to be analytically
brilliant.
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