Faking it: The art of making people think you know what you’re talking about when you have no idea what you’re talking about.

For the past three years I’ve been working as a teacher and was just recently hired to teach two subjects I’ve never taught before. I felt really apprehensive about it at first, because how in the world was I supposed to stand in front of a class of 32 teenagers and speak on things I know not of? But now, a couple of weeks into the term, I’m feeling pretty good about the whole thing. It’s not quite so bad. Which begs the question: Am I that good at faking it or are my students really that easily duped? I already think highly of their intelligence, so I’m going to go with the first option: I must be really good at faking it. 

How do I pull this off? Well, beside reading up on the topic a few days before the lesson and dazzling them with my supa dupa Power Points (thank you Google Images), I follow these five simple rules: 

Rule number one: You’ve gotta look good. This will take your audience’s attention off of what they’re hearing and on to what they’re seeing. And if you’re a female teaching a group of mostly males, turn on the charm and milk it for all it’s worth. In a classy way of course. 

Rule number two: Maintain animated body language. If you move your hands fast enough, the audience will grow dizzy and forget to pay attention to what you’re saying. 

Rule number three:  If someone asks a question you don’t know the answer to, bounce the question back to the whole group and pray that someone else will know the answer. If that doesn’t work, be honest about your ignorance, but in an authoritative way. If you sound apologetic, you’ll lose your credibility. The credibility you don’t have, technically...

Rule number four: Take advantage of all your contacts and bring in ”guest lecturers” to conduct your lessons whenever possible. This will give you major ”cool” points since you know so many smart and interesting people. And then you’ll be smart by association. 

Rule number five: If all else fails, crack a joke and change the subject. And refer to rule number one.

The curse of Jante: Reach for the stars, but watch out for that glass ceiling.

There is a word in Swedish that doesn’t translate into English, which is unfortunate, because it pretty much describes an entire cultural mentality. One could say it sums up the Swedish way of looking at life. This word is lagom. Not too hot, not too cold, but lagom. Not too hard, not too soft, but lagom. Not too big, not too small, but lagom. The Goldilocks syndrome, if you will. 

You might think this is a rather sound, balanced way to live your life - tending toward neither extreme but keeping to the middle of the road. But I’m convinced that the only place this road leads to is mediocrity, dissatisfaction and resentment. Mediocrity because you won’t ever stand out or excel. Dissatisfaction because you won’t get what you really want. Resentment because you’ll hate those who actually do get what they want. 

There is a Scandinavian cultural phenomenon called the Law of Jante which is ”used colloquially...to negatively describe an attitude towards individuality and success common in Sweden and other Nordic countries.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Jante) To use a common illustration: Take a bucket of crabs. If one crab tries to climb the wall and break free from his prison, the other crabs will drag him down before he reaches the top. Why is this? I don’t know. Envy, fear, conformity - take your pick. Whatever the reason, Jante’s Law partially explains why socialism has worked so well in Sweden over many decades.

Jante’s law infiltrates every area of Swedish society: politics, economics, church, academia.... While the Swedish school system encourages creative and innovative thinking, its social and economic systems eventually clip anyone who dares to stick out from the crowd. Being something other than lagom carries with it a stigma and garners people’s distrust. It’s not kosher to say you’re the best at something. And it’s not kosher to show too much enthusiasm or demonstrate too much success or self-confidence. But I do want to say that I notice the trend is changing. People, especially the younger generation, are tired of conforming. People are starting to recognize that there is no integrity in doing something if the goal isn’t to "go big" and excel. People want to live unfettered. And I think that’s a natural human desire. We weren’t created to be just like everyone else. 

In this next part I’m going to make a lot of generalizations that will probably ruffle some feathers. Just remember, I hold both a Swedish and an American passport. 

A lot of Swedes see Americans as arrogant, aggressive and boastful, and they would be right. We are arrogant, we are aggressive and we do like to brag. To use an illustration from high school, Americans are the Homecoming King and Queen, and Swedes are the wallflowers (until they’ve had a few drinks - then they’re just as loud and obnoxious as the rest of us). But one could also turn it around and argue that Swedes are passive-aggressive, frustrated pacifists who, in the politically correct frenzy to be inclusive and tolerant, end up stunting their own growth potential and ability to deal with feelings and conflict. I’m being unnecessarily harsh here, but I say this to make a point. 

It is, in my opinion, inevitable to grow resentful towards others who experience success and feel satisfaction in their pursued walks of life when you yourself have settled for less than the best. I find it ironic that every Swede I’ve ever met dreams of visiting or living in the States. When I ask why, the most common answer is that it’s so big. You see, people who live lagom lives dream of breaking the mold and living large. They outwardly scorn our American indulgence and inwardly covet our ”pursuit of happiness.” I’m certainly not holding our pursuit of happiness on a pedestal, because quite frankly, I think it’s pretty obvious that our gross mismanagement of said pursuit has come back to bite us in the rear. But there is something life-giving about being free to take risks, about knowing what you bring to the table, and not being afraid to say so. Self-confidence is a gift, and one that needs nurturing. I’ve struggled my entire life to gain mine and I finally feel like I’m making headway. Ironically, it’s happened during these three years that I’ve been living in Sweden. Go figure. 

In conclusion, one should always be truthful and objective about one’s own abilities. It’s not okay to brag, especially when there is no substance to one’s claims. But one shouldn’t be afraid to excel at something and be aware of it. If you want something, then pursue the best version of that something. If you don’t, you will never be satisfied, and you’ll live the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t bowed to Mr. Jante. 

My somewhat haphazard guide to Prague

I just came back from a four-day trip to Prague with two of my colleagues, Johan and Christina, and 26 of my students (class SP10D). We had a fantastic stay, everyone had fun, and we were all a happy sort of exhausted on the long bus ride back. I’d been to Prague once before, in February, and vowed I’d come back, but in the spring. So that’s what I did, but of course spring was a month delayed, as in most of Europe, so I have to go back one more time. Darn. 

Prague is so beautiful, it’s almost too beautiful. You can’t do much more than walk around, wish you could absorb it all and wonder why Kafka was so freaking depressed. (It took me forever to get through The Trial and upon completion I vowed never to read another of his books again, but Johan (Swedish teacher and literature extraordinaire) advised me to read it as a work of ironic humor. So maybe that's what I’ll do when I retire.) I suppose too much beauty could cause depression though. It desensitizes you if you live in it too long. 

The hostel. Prague Square Hostel (http://www.praguesquarehostel.com/). Austere in terms of amenities and breakfast, but superb in its location, just a block up from the Astronomical Clock. Much taller than it is wide, you’ll get a workout climbing the stairs several times a day. But you’ll need it, because Czech food is very heavy. 

As in all hostels, one meets a fascinating variety of people. Among others, there were three American ex-pats working the reception desk. Curiously, I’m always surprised to meet Americans who live and work overseas, forgetting that I’m an American living and working overseas.

The food. I’m all about meat and potatoes, but the Czechs take it to a whole other level of heavy. The typical dish is goulash and dumplings (potatoes and flour). Super yum, but it will constipate you if you eat too much of it. Luckily there are lots of other types of cuisine available, Italian being the most prevalent. 

We (Johan, Christina and I) went to a restaurant called Pasta Fresca! (http://pastafresca.ambi.cz/en/#index) that Christina had discovered on a previous visit, and boy was it fresca. The pasta is made from scratch in situ and we never had to wait more than 15 minutes for the food to arrive. Everything we ate was superbly done. All three of us loved it so much that we went back twice, the third time with the whole class. 

I want to revisit Prague just to eat there again. I’m in love with everything about it: the design, the food, the service, even the restrooms were delightful. Located a block up from the Old Town square, it’s very easy to miss. The entrance is a really narrow hallway and to get to the restaurant level you must go down three flights of stairs into the cellar. The design is modern, warm and sophisticated - I want my dining room to look exactly like it (someday, if/when I have a house). 

Another place we discovered was Architects' Club (http://www.lunchtime.cz/klub-architektu/english/#obecne). You’ll get traditional Czech cuisine here, and it’s really really good. This is also one where you need to take the stairs down to the cellar. Very sophisticated and elegant in its design, and like I said, the food was fantastic. I ate the best goulash and dumplings I’ve ever tasted. 

My colleague Christina is a fanatic of Wienerschnitzel. Everywhere we go, she must find a restaurant where they serve this. Happily, she was recommended a restaurant called Kolkovna (http://www.kolkovna.cz/index.php?language=en) that reportedly served the best schnitzel in the city. It is also recommended by the Michelin guide for serving superb local Czech cuisine. How could we resist? 

The place is reminiscent of a London pub and it was completely full - always a good sign. The three of us decided to go all out and order three courses. As an appetizer, Johan and I shared a Caprese with mozzarella made from buffalo milk and a Carpaccio. Probably the best I’ve ever tasted. 

Then we both ordered sausage as a main dish. I’m not much of a sausage person, but I figure while in the Czech Republic, eat as the Czechs, so I hunkered down and ate three very tasty sausages. Amazing food, but I will not be eating sausage again for a while. It was borderline to being too much (and I can EAT!). 

Despite being full, I ordered Bavarian Cream with fruit for dessert, and it was amazing. 

Christina of course had the Wienerschnitzel and was in heaven for the rest of the evening.

The sights. It’s not easy avoiding the tourists traps, but I think we did well overall, with one exception. 

The Astronomical Clock is beautiful and ancient (built in 1410). People will flock and wait to see the thing chime on the hour. Not much happens (the 12 apostles peep through two windows that open), but I guess it’s something one should see when here, just because. The clock tower is a must. You get an amazing view of Prague from the air and the climb up the tower will give you some nice exercise. :) 

The city is known for its art and music and a concert by string quartet is a must. There is a ticket office in the Old Town Square cathedral that specializes in classical and jazz concerts. You can also buy tickets to an array of other performances as well, but be careful. Johan and I and two students went to see highlights from the Swan Lake ballet and it was a serious disappointment. Two of the three male dancers were definitely past their prime (and left me wondering if they’d ever even had a prime) and the rest of the dancers weren’t much better. The choreography was lame, the theatre uninspiring, and the music came via speaker, not via live orchestra. Total disappointment. However, to be fair, the girl who danced the main role of Swan princess was fantastic. Definitely in another league from the others. I wonder how all of the backstage politics played out there....

In my opinion, the Church of Our Lady of Týn is the most beautiful cathedral in existence. I love gothic architecture and I think it looks so mysterious and haunting. During my first visit to Prague, my mother and I went to an evening mass there and I remember thinking that this must be the most beautiful interior I’ve ever seen. Everything was in black and gold; even the stone walls were black. This time I went back and to my disappointment, the whole interior was white (the black and gold fixtures were still there, but the walls had been whitewashed). Or maybe they’d always been whitewashed and it’s just my memory playing a prank, but still. 

Klementinum, a complex of concert halls, is where we took the whole class to see a classical music performance. A string quartet with organ played famous pieces by Vivaldi, Bach, Mozart, Dvorak and Smetana. The music was beautiful and the venue equally so. 

You can’t be in Prague and not cross the famous Charles Bridge to the other side called Malá Strana. This is where all of the embassies are located as well as Prague Castle. Johan and I took the students up to the castle complex mostly because we wanted to hear them complain about having to climb all the stairs (I jest). It’s hard not to be impressed by the towering Saint Vitus Cathedral. It’s built in Neo-Gothic style and is quite elaborate in its spires and stained glass windows.

It’s upsetting that we’ve lost our reverence for beauty and timelessness. 200+ years ago, people built things to last, and to last beautifully. Now we just want everything in steel and glass and up in two weeks, thanks. Nothing we build and praise now will be left in 100 years. Whatever happened to vision? 

Theresienstadt (or Terezín as its called in Czech) is a concentration camp from the second World War.  It was my first time visiting one and it was hard to absorb. Almost everything was left exactly the way it was during the war, and it was all a bit haunting. But worth a visit. 

Our last stop before going home was the HUB. This was especially cool for me. The HUB is a meeting place for social entrepreneurs. People who don’t have their own offices can come and work and meet other people, network and collaborate on socially innovative projects, etc. The first HUB opened in London 2005 and now there are 40 HUBs around the world, and 50 waiting to open. We got to meet Lucie Lankasova who works at the HUB and has her own social business (an urban garden). Social entrepreneurship is the next big thing. We’ve lived through the industrial age and the information age, and now we’re transitioning into a social innovation age. Business as usual is no longer sustainable and people are needing to find better ways of doing things. I’ve been learning a lot about social entrepreneurship during the past year and I suspect that it’s going to play a large part in my future. Check this out if you’re interested: http://www.the-hub.net/

That's all folks!

Kon-Tiki: How six shirtless Norwegian guys got me thinking about eternity.

Last night I went to see a movie called Kon-Tiki. Apparently it’s based on a true story of how a team of six Norwegian guys crossed the Pacific Ocean on a raft. It was a very good movie and it got me thinking that I would really love to spend a week on a raft in the middle of an ocean with no horizon in sight; and spend the nights looking up at a multitude of stars. It would certainly adjust my perspective on things. Then after a week I’d get bored and start longing for things run by electricity. 

But that’s not why I wrote this blog post.

At the end of the movie they showed what had happened with each of the men. They’d all gone on to do amazing things, of course, but the main character’s wife ended up leaving him, and her reason was that even though his adventurous spirit is what had made her fall in love with him in the first place, it didn’t mesh with having a family. He’d chosen his ambition over her and their two sons. And it made me think: So many amazing and important feats have been accomplished and discoveries made as a result of men (and women for that matter) having completely ignored their families in favor of the great discovery. One could argue that in the grand scheme of things, it was probably worth the son growing up with an absent father and the marriage being sacrificed since it resulted in such an important advance for mankind. On the macro level, yeah, it’s easy to reason away the rejected responsibility toward family. But I wonder how God looks upon that kind of thing. Sure, we need to make new discoveries in order to continue developing and advancing, and God has created us with the amazing ability to be inventive and curious. However, on a micro level, are those (often vital) discoveries worth the broken relationships left in their afterglow? I’m not sure how to answer that question. Civilization is  indeed grateful to these individuals, but would the rejected son or daughter share our gratitude? Would the abandoned wife or husband? This may not be theologically sound reasoning, but I think that relationships are the only thing we take with us when we die. How we treated the people around us is what we’ll be judged on. That’s a sobering thought. 

My freezer runneth over

I've just sat down with a cup of vanilla tea and some coffee cake fresh out of the oven. It’s uh-may-zing. How have I not made coffee cake before? I recently discovered a food blog called ”Lottie + Doof” and the guy who puts it together posts some really delicious recipes. I’ve made it my mission this week to try as many of them as I have time and freezer space for. And as this is Easter break, I do have some extra hours to devote to my stove and oven. Blissssss....

There are a few things that provide me with mass amounts of pleasure, and food is one of them. I love to cook. I love to eat. I love to share food with other people. I’m absolutely convinced that food is the proper foundation for relational growth. I attribute this love of food to my Italian genes. My late grandmother was always in the kitchen making something: chicken soup, lasagna, tomato pie, meatballs.... And she always made a mess whenever she cooked, which is something I’ve inherited. My parents like to roll their eyes in faux exasperation whenever they walk into the kitchen while I’m making something. To be fair, it really does look like a disaster zone. But I don’t think you can truly cook with your heart without creating a mess. Maintaining clean surfaces during the process of preparing food is just too cerebral in my opinion. 

In the days running up to time off, I always make long and detailed lists of all the virtuous things I’m going to accomplish. The usual entries: Get acquainted with my Italian grammar books that are collecting dust in a drawer, exercise every day, finish the three or four books I’m in the middle of, be sociable with friends I don’t usually see because our schedules don’t mesh, etc etc. The sad fact: It doesn’t matter what I write down on those lists. I only ever get around to doing one or two of them. That’s because I spend the first several days lounging around my apartment in my pajamas, feeling too lethargic to do anything useful. Not awesome. 

But it’s been different this time around. Not only have I not lounged around, I spent the first two days deep cleaning my apartment -- something I haven’t done since I moved in two and a half years ago....yikes. I’ve also spent quality time with friends, exercised, run errands, cooked/baked, and caught up on some of this year’s Oscar-nominations (so many good ones, but I especially loved Silver Linings Playbook).

So, to what do I owe all this energy? Maybe it’s the superfood smoothies I’ve been making almost daily for the past two weeks. (I tried doing this detox thing, but yeah, that lasted like, two days. The smoothies, however, prevailed.) Or maybe it’s the slightly stupefying excitement I have about the future. I say stupefying because I have no clue what’s going to happen after June 14. I literally have no idea. My entire life can very well be turned upside down next week. How can I feel excited about that? But truthfully, I have a lot of joy in spite of not knowing. 

My job situation is such that I have to apply to keep my position as teacher every spring. And as ”luck” would have it, there’s been a new principal every time I’ve had to apply. I’m on my fifth principal in two years. (It would seem my department has an irritatingly high turnover rate....) Needless to say, this doesn’t provide much in the way of employee-boss relations. An added challenge is that the teacher I’ve been subbing for has decided to come back in the fall.... 

What happens if that happens? I have no Plan B. But if I did, it would most likely involve moving to a different city/country, since really the only reason I’ve stayed in Lidköping is this job I love so much. There are of course other perks (quality friends and cheap housing), but those are never reasons enough to stay -- not for me anyway. But I have no idea where I’d move to and I really don’t feel that the time to relocate has come yet. Despite the natural obstacles, I feel in my heart that my time at the school is not over, and that my time in Lidköping isn’t over either. I still have more to give, more heart to pour into my students, more time to invest in my friends and work colleagues. I don’t know how to reconcile this with the natural circumstances glaring me in the face, but that’s where trust comes in. 

I trust in my Heavenly Father who holds me and my future in His hand. He’s already seen the endgame, mapped out my steps, strategically placed me where I am. He sees all of the puzzle pieces that are my life, and He’s slowly, consistently, bringing them together so that the image that was once so scattered and blurry is starting to gain focus and color. This is the reason for and the source of my excitement. I am so optimistic about the future! It can’t be anything but great! Not because I’m not going to experience setbacks and suffering, but because God holds the steering wheel to my car, the reins to my horse, the rudder to my ship (hey, we can keep this metaphor going...insert any form of transportation you want). 

Trusting God is so hard but so easy -- one of the many paradoxes of the Christian walk. There is so much joy and peace to be found in it when we let go of our need for control, when we stop trying to maintain clean surfaces while cooking. Let the water boil over, let the sauce splatter. God can take care of the dishes. When it’s His plan, it’s His mess to clean up anyway. It took me 28 years to have this epiphany, and since then life has become much more unpredictable and exciting, uncertain and satisfying. I encourage you to seek this truth as well. 

I will now get back to my coffee cake, and perhaps another movie? I’m thinking Lincoln..... 

Some personality types are just meant to take over the world......

I just spent a very enlightening, inspiring, affirming week in Berlin with a bunch of people I’d never met before. I’m a pretty international person, I travel a lot, have lived in a few places, and I’ve met quite a few people along the way. But never have I experienced such an immediate connection and unity between strangers as I did at this conference I attended. The conference itself was organized by EuroPartners, a network of Christian business leaders from all over Europe (www.europartners.org). And they have a sub-division that targets young professionals under the age of 35, aptly named Young Professionals (YP). This group is where it’s at! The underlying concept is the understanding that a younger generation needs to be mentored and coached by an older generation in order to continue reaching newer heights and extending the Kingdom of God (I apologize to those who are not familiar with ”church jargon” but I will be using quite a lot of it). I was so deeply impressed by the fact that I was surrounded by successful business people who are experts in their field, most of them very wealthy (I suspect) yet are without prestige, so willing and eager to encourage and nurture people like me. And not just people like me, but me! A teacher! And not even an official one at that (I don’t have a teaching degree)! I must have been the least ”professional” out of all of them, but there was never a feeling of misplacement, only an atmosphere of encouragement and identification. Because I really did identify with YP’s mission. It encourages vision, identifies gifts, nurtures growth, provides accountability and community in the most kingdom-minded, Christ-centered way. Amazing. 

The first thing we did (”we” being young adults from the UK, Belgium, Sweden (me!), Finland, Moldavia, Albania, Holland) was to take a personality assessment test - anyone familiar with DISC? Dominant, Influencing, Steady and Cautious. I turned out to be an extreme DI with a little bit of C, which was no surprise really, but it was interesting just how accurately the test pinpointed me. For the first time in a long time I felt so encouraged to embrace my DI-ness. Yes I like to be decisive and get things done and get people moving and have structure and clear goals. Yes I need freedom to be myself and do things my way. Yes I like to encourage people to think big and to get them excited about life and God’s purposes and plans. So yes, I tend to be a bit energetic, a bit ambitious, a bit impatient with people who like to sit around and discuss rather than do. I hate details and endless analyzing. But that’s actually okay!!! God made me this way for a reason!

I live in a small town in Sweden where DI personalities don’t exactly thrive, especially not in the local church culture. This is very unfortunate and there are a lot of things I can say about that, but this is not the forum. The point I want to get across is that I felt so affirmed, by both God and man, that it’s okay to be the way I am. God made me this way, likes me this way, can and will use me this way. I of course know this and have always known it, but there is a difference between knowing and knowing. It was as if God took me to a deeper level of appreciation for His plan for my life, saying ”Annika, don’t pay too much attention to people who try to box you in and/or feel threatened by your giftings. Just keep following the vision you know I’ve placed in your heart.” I’m the square that doesn’t fit into the circle. But it’s okay, ‘cause I’m not going to be here forever. There is a big world out there and God is a big God. I just need to keep following Him. 

The highlight of the week was the people I met. Hands down the coolest, funnest group of friends I have ever known. And I say friends because that’s really what we became. Already the first day we all felt that God had brought us together for a purpose that went beyond this conference. Right then and there God was forming a team of young adults who are in love with Him, passionate about living our lives full-out for Him, driven to do big things for Him, together. We had amazing times of fellowship, prayer, laughs and conversation. I didn’t sleep more than 3 or 4 hours per night simply because I wanted to spend as much time with these people as possible. I tend toward extremes (which would explain the absence of Steady points on my profile), but I just wanted to absorb it all, live it all, feel it all. 

Now I’m back to real life, but I feel so mentally absent from my work. I find my mind wandering back to Berlin while my students sit their nervously, doing their oral exams. Yikes! But in all seriousness, it is hard to get back to the mundane when you’ve experience the mountaintop, when for the first time in a really long time you’ve felt truly at home, and have truly identified with the people around you. It was a an enormously significant experience which I’m so grateful for having had. And I am once again in awe of just how much God loves and takes care of me. My Daddy knew what I needed. And like my grandpa tells me all the time, Jesus is smiling at me. :)

Yet another try at perfection

The new year is fast approaching and I am in a high state of planning out my perfection that I hope, as I do every year, will magically transpire at midnight. I fell short of nearly all of my 2012 resolutions, but nonetheless feel inspired to resolve once again to be more balanced, more mature, and above all else, more glamorous. So here are my goals for 2013: 

1. I resolve to regain a balance in my eating and exercising habits. Only three out of the last 12 months were spent getting fit, and this has provided prime opportunities of self-loathing. For me it’s not so much a weight issue as it is a discipline issue. It’s no secret that I love food (I blame my Italian genes), but seriously, if it’s in front of me, I eat it, regardless of whether I’m hungry or not. This would not be problematic if I exercised regularly, but too often I yield to laziness, and that’s just not acceptable. It’s time I get a grip. 

2. Last year, I resolved to learn more about three specific subjects: photography, the Italian language and wine. I did buy a nice camera and used it at a few strategic moments throughout the year, but I am no closer to having a clue about how the thing actually works. And despite the best of intentions, I ignored the Italian language as much as I ignored my workout dvd’s. The trip to Italy that was to spur my motivation didn’t happen and I let the dream die all too easily. But I have added a few Italian grammar books to my collection, so I’m hoping that the motivation, as well as the trip, will experience a resurrection. Happily, I did get halfway through my ”Wine for Dummies” book, but unhappily, I cannot remember 98% of what I read. The adjectives alone are too much to absorb: tannic, mineral, woodsy (seriously, who do winos think they are?). However, I did manage to learn that the Pacific Northwest's Yakima and Willamette Valleys produce a mean Pinot Noir, so now I can sound learned next time I find myself sitting at my favorite restaurant in Portland. (Saucebox, if you were wondering.) 

The coming year’s self-education topics are art history and the Cold War. If I could do the college thing all over again, I would probably choose a major in art history. My impatience and inattention to detail aside, I think I would have really enjoyed working in art restoration. I imagine a life spent traveling the world, restoring beautiful cathedrals, temples, palaces and paintings.... And the Cold War is a point of fascination for me mostly because I don’t know anything about it. Every history class I’ve ever taken hasn’t proceeded beyond Vietnam. It’s just one big gaping hole in my understanding of the world I live in. 

3. In an effort to subdue my own consumerism, I have vowed to not buy any new clothes for six months. This is going to be a challenge because I genuinely love clothes and experience great joy in buying new things to wear. However, I look in my closet and see so many items that I hardly ever use, and not because I don’t like them. So the other day I ransacked my wardrobe, packed about a third of it into plastic bags and gave it to Second Hand. Between January 1 and June 30 I will have to be content with what I have.  

4. Journaling is something I wish I were better at, but I am lazy. Blogging has become my new system of recording my thoughts about different things, but there are so many other things that I act upon, think about and react to on a daily basis that I never write down. And these are things I know I will appreciate reading about five years from now. To be reminded, amazed, amused and challenged. So I resolve to journal my way through 2013.

5. And finally, the part where I resolve to ”grow.” I want to be more authentic. In my head, I am bold, provocative, eloquent, and unafraid to say exactly what I mean. In reality I can be timid, lame, awkward and a bit circular in my communication in an effort to be diplomatic (which is just not a characteristic I have, so why do I insist on trying?). I don’t remember if I’ve always been this way, but I’ve definitely become this way in my efforts to adapt to varying cultural norms. My backbone has turned to cartilage. This makes me disappointed in and upset with myself, because I know that in my core, I am not that way. I can be bold, I can be provocative, I can be direct. (I’m from New York for Christ’s sake!) But I’ve been away for too long and strongly desire to find my way back to being feisty, frank, honest and straightforward. I once heard in a song the phrase ”Live in New York once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in LA once, but leave before it makes you soft.” That’s very true. So it’s no more miss nice girl from now on. I will be kind, fair and loving. But I will also be straight up, uncompromising in my conviction and unafraid to step on toes if I have to. Watch out y'all. 

So that’s how my year is going to look. Ask me in March how I’m doing.....